If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
I've decided today that I am ready and willing to be THAT girl. You know, the one who announces her pregnancy to the world at 5 weeks, who goes out and buys baby clothes before the first ultrasound, who talks about the baby's due date as if it will actually come. The one who doesn't stop to think for a moment that this whole world can come crashing down. The one we all want to be but know way too much to enjoy the first 12 weeks without worrying what could happen.
My last two pregnancies I never allowed myself to think that I would actually be taking home a baby. It was always 'if things work out' rather than when. After spending a glorious afternoon shopping with one of my great friends who thinks that this pregnancy is hear to stay, and telling a co-worker the news today who also said the same thing, I figure I have nothing to loose. No matter how hard I tried, I still got attached to my last two pregnancies. I never enjoyed being pregnant because I was so scared of loosing the baby. So I figure, I may as well just rejoice in this time. If my world comes crashing down, it comes crashing down. The hurt wont be any less if I am hopeful now or if I am reserved.
Now saying this, I probably wont announce my pregnancy to family until we have an ultrasound pic to show, and I certainly wont be buying any baby clothes anytime soon. But I don't really think about it when I tell my husband that such-and-such wont affect me as I'll be on mat leave then. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or next week, I'll have a change of heart and I'll be paranoid and anxious all over again. But right now, I feel either at peace with everything - or I'm just too friggen tired to worry about what could happen. Right now I am pregnant and I just have to hold onto that fact. I am kinda jealous of all these women who are having early ultrasounds. Mine wont be until the week of Mar. 26. My Dr. is on holidays so I was supposed to go the week of Mar. 19 - but that is the week hubby will be away. So I'm going to try to get in on Mar. 27. I keep telling myself that an early ultrasound isn't going to change things. It will either show us a healthy baby or it wont. I'm hoping that if I have another blighted ovum, I will start bleeding by then. Last pregnancy, with my blighted ovum, I did start to bleed on my own the day of my second ultrasound (approx 7 weeks) So if I can make it to almost 9 without bleeding, then hopefully we get a fetus growing inside!
Wish me luck on my desire to be ignorant and blissful. Its what we all want right?
-tender breasts on and off throughout the day
-super sense of smell - I'm on sensory overload! It isn't making me really nauseous - just overwhelmed!
-tired - so.bloody.tired
-some feeling of blah - nausea or something usually in the morning but can come and go