If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
I get pregnancy symptoms. Extreme exhaustion, tender breasts, slight nausea (nothing sever by any stretch).
I have had them with all three pregnancies. I don't mind the symptoms. I don't mind them one bit. What I am scared of is the fact that since I get symptoms - the lack of symptoms can be a sign something is or has gone wrong. I'm currently feeling exhausted and my boobs have just started to hurt. Normally one (who has struggled with IF and loss) would be celebrating these mini milestones in pregnancy. My fear is that they will disappear like they have in my previous 2 pregnancies. Although not having any symptoms would be hard as you can never know if you are pregnant, but the appearance of them, just gives me something more to think about - each day now (come on....lets be honest...each minute) I compare my symptoms from the day (re: minute) before and try to judge whether they are the same, getting worse or alleviating. How do I turn off this part of my brain and just be?
Another thing I hate doing is brushing my hair - go figure! Last time I miscarried, I had a feeling something wasn't right as the days leading up to my ultrasound, my hair started falling out. Not just one or two strands, but it would usually fill a comb whenever I would brush after a shower. Hubby thought that I was being ridiculous when I mentioned it to him....turns out I was right. Now, I try and brush my hair as gently as possible and count how many strands fall out in hopes that it isn't too many. How messed up is this?
Any advice from those who have / are pregnant after a loss on how to survive the first trimester? I didn't want an early ultrasound - but now I'm wishing the option was available to me. Ugh. Some days thoughts come in my head about plans I have in March around the time I will be getting my ultrasound and I think that I can't go through with those plans just in case something is wrong.
I just want to get off this roller-coaster and look into a magic crystal ball that will tell me everything will be okay!