If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
Today my hopefulness is gone. My optimism and hope for rejoicing in this pregnancy has been replaced by fear and anxiety.
I have discovered that my mood is directly related to my boobs. I know I have mentioned before about breast tenderness (or lack there of), so I apologize for belaboring this issue further. However, given I know that my breast tenderness disappeared about a week before my last miscarriage, I am very in-tune with how tender (or lack of tenderness) my boobs are. If I have tender boobs all day, then I am hopeful, happy and assured that everything will work out fine. If I haven't had any pain, then I feel defeated and think that everything is falling apart. Today, boobs weren't sore; therefore I am sad and feel hopeless. I really want to be happy ALL the time and not be so worried about every little thing. I KNOW each pregnancy is different and one thing does not equal doom, so why do I make myself go into a tizzy? I also know, that when I relax and not think about symptoms, my symptoms appear- almost right on cue. But if I obsess about them 100% of the time, they aren't there. So why then, can't I just relax?
I saw my therapist today and was telling her about how I am feeling. Clearly she doesn't have training in pregnancy after loss as she really didn't have anything grandois to say except to just relax and stay positive. Easier said than done.
I also think that my exhaustion is getting to me. I'm so tired, all the time that I feel depressed. Is this even possible?
Ugh - maybe tomorrow the hopeful, overly optimistic girl will be back. Can I just go to sleep and wake up at 12 weeks? Or better yet, 24?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
I'm going to be THAT girl...
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
I've decided today that I am ready and willing to be THAT girl. You know, the one who announces her pregnancy to the world at 5 weeks, who goes out and buys baby clothes before the first ultrasound, who talks about the baby's due date as if it will actually come. The one who doesn't stop to think for a moment that this whole world can come crashing down. The one we all want to be but know way too much to enjoy the first 12 weeks without worrying what could happen.
My last two pregnancies I never allowed myself to think that I would actually be taking home a baby. It was always 'if things work out' rather than when. After spending a glorious afternoon shopping with one of my great friends who thinks that this pregnancy is hear to stay, and telling a co-worker the news today who also said the same thing, I figure I have nothing to loose. No matter how hard I tried, I still got attached to my last two pregnancies. I never enjoyed being pregnant because I was so scared of loosing the baby. So I figure, I may as well just rejoice in this time. If my world comes crashing down, it comes crashing down. The hurt wont be any less if I am hopeful now or if I am reserved.
Now saying this, I probably wont announce my pregnancy to family until we have an ultrasound pic to show, and I certainly wont be buying any baby clothes anytime soon. But I don't really think about it when I tell my husband that such-and-such wont affect me as I'll be on mat leave then. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or next week, I'll have a change of heart and I'll be paranoid and anxious all over again. But right now, I feel either at peace with everything - or I'm just too friggen tired to worry about what could happen. Right now I am pregnant and I just have to hold onto that fact. I am kinda jealous of all these women who are having early ultrasounds. Mine wont be until the week of Mar. 26. My Dr. is on holidays so I was supposed to go the week of Mar. 19 - but that is the week hubby will be away. So I'm going to try to get in on Mar. 27. I keep telling myself that an early ultrasound isn't going to change things. It will either show us a healthy baby or it wont. I'm hoping that if I have another blighted ovum, I will start bleeding by then. Last pregnancy, with my blighted ovum, I did start to bleed on my own the day of my second ultrasound (approx 7 weeks) So if I can make it to almost 9 without bleeding, then hopefully we get a fetus growing inside!
Wish me luck on my desire to be ignorant and blissful. Its what we all want right?
Symptom report:
-tender breasts on and off throughout the day
-super sense of smell - I'm on sensory overload! It isn't making me really nauseous - just overwhelmed!
-tired - so.bloody.tired
-some feeling of blah - nausea or something usually in the morning but can come and go
I've decided today that I am ready and willing to be THAT girl. You know, the one who announces her pregnancy to the world at 5 weeks, who goes out and buys baby clothes before the first ultrasound, who talks about the baby's due date as if it will actually come. The one who doesn't stop to think for a moment that this whole world can come crashing down. The one we all want to be but know way too much to enjoy the first 12 weeks without worrying what could happen.
My last two pregnancies I never allowed myself to think that I would actually be taking home a baby. It was always 'if things work out' rather than when. After spending a glorious afternoon shopping with one of my great friends who thinks that this pregnancy is hear to stay, and telling a co-worker the news today who also said the same thing, I figure I have nothing to loose. No matter how hard I tried, I still got attached to my last two pregnancies. I never enjoyed being pregnant because I was so scared of loosing the baby. So I figure, I may as well just rejoice in this time. If my world comes crashing down, it comes crashing down. The hurt wont be any less if I am hopeful now or if I am reserved.
Now saying this, I probably wont announce my pregnancy to family until we have an ultrasound pic to show, and I certainly wont be buying any baby clothes anytime soon. But I don't really think about it when I tell my husband that such-and-such wont affect me as I'll be on mat leave then. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or next week, I'll have a change of heart and I'll be paranoid and anxious all over again. But right now, I feel either at peace with everything - or I'm just too friggen tired to worry about what could happen. Right now I am pregnant and I just have to hold onto that fact. I am kinda jealous of all these women who are having early ultrasounds. Mine wont be until the week of Mar. 26. My Dr. is on holidays so I was supposed to go the week of Mar. 19 - but that is the week hubby will be away. So I'm going to try to get in on Mar. 27. I keep telling myself that an early ultrasound isn't going to change things. It will either show us a healthy baby or it wont. I'm hoping that if I have another blighted ovum, I will start bleeding by then. Last pregnancy, with my blighted ovum, I did start to bleed on my own the day of my second ultrasound (approx 7 weeks) So if I can make it to almost 9 without bleeding, then hopefully we get a fetus growing inside!
Wish me luck on my desire to be ignorant and blissful. Its what we all want right?
Symptom report:
-tender breasts on and off throughout the day
-super sense of smell - I'm on sensory overload! It isn't making me really nauseous - just overwhelmed!
-tired - so.bloody.tired
-some feeling of blah - nausea or something usually in the morning but can come and go
Friday, February 24, 2012
I LOVE my natropath!
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
So I want to apologize for how boring my blog is probably going to become - especially those struggling through IF. I'm taking the cornfed feminist pledge and not apologizing for talking about my pregnancy - just apologizing for the lack of depth that it will probably entail the next 8 weeks as I get through this first trimester.
So, my natropath is amazing. She has done a lot of work dealing with infertility and is just an awesome person to be around. She is super supportive and has an incredible calming effect on me. Even though my insurance has minimal coverage, I told Hubby that I'm going to go and see her every week of my pregnancy for however long I need her for...regardless of when we run out of coverage. It feels like I'm actually 'doing' something to help get me through this pregnancy and have my take-home baby. Acupuncture helps with relaxation anyways :) I'm really so grateful to have found her. After talking with her for over an hour (unless she has someone else waiting, she doesn't kick you out), I feel much better about my pregnancy right now. She totally empathized with how I am feeling and understands why I would be a crazy lady about my symptoms.
Today's symptoms: fatigue is back. So much so that I took the afternoon off work. There was a no bus day today and I was so tired I just couldn't do any work. I figured since there were no kids, going to see my natropath early and then getting home for a nap will do me some good. Boobs have been somewhat sore today ... I think my constant checking is numbing them to the pain they feel. If I leave them alone for awhile, the tenderness comes back. If I check every 10 seconds, they don't seem to hurt. Go figure. I also have heartburn. This scares me some as I did have it the week leading up to the ultrasound that confirmed a blighted ovum last pregnancy (I didn't have it going into the first ultrasound), however I know it is a perfectly normal sign of pregnancy. Also - vivid dreams happening every night. I've yet to have a dream about loosing the baby or bleeding - which I had with the last 2...but with my first miscarriage that dream didn't come until later. Right now though these silly dreams are making me have a restless night sleep and waking me up far too early!
Today I am more hopeful. I am going to (not saying I have) resolve myself to the fact that symptoms may wax and wane and that I have to be okay with this.
Thanks for all your support!
So I want to apologize for how boring my blog is probably going to become - especially those struggling through IF. I'm taking the cornfed feminist pledge and not apologizing for talking about my pregnancy - just apologizing for the lack of depth that it will probably entail the next 8 weeks as I get through this first trimester.
So, my natropath is amazing. She has done a lot of work dealing with infertility and is just an awesome person to be around. She is super supportive and has an incredible calming effect on me. Even though my insurance has minimal coverage, I told Hubby that I'm going to go and see her every week of my pregnancy for however long I need her for...regardless of when we run out of coverage. It feels like I'm actually 'doing' something to help get me through this pregnancy and have my take-home baby. Acupuncture helps with relaxation anyways :) I'm really so grateful to have found her. After talking with her for over an hour (unless she has someone else waiting, she doesn't kick you out), I feel much better about my pregnancy right now. She totally empathized with how I am feeling and understands why I would be a crazy lady about my symptoms.
Today's symptoms: fatigue is back. So much so that I took the afternoon off work. There was a no bus day today and I was so tired I just couldn't do any work. I figured since there were no kids, going to see my natropath early and then getting home for a nap will do me some good. Boobs have been somewhat sore today ... I think my constant checking is numbing them to the pain they feel. If I leave them alone for awhile, the tenderness comes back. If I check every 10 seconds, they don't seem to hurt. Go figure. I also have heartburn. This scares me some as I did have it the week leading up to the ultrasound that confirmed a blighted ovum last pregnancy (I didn't have it going into the first ultrasound), however I know it is a perfectly normal sign of pregnancy. Also - vivid dreams happening every night. I've yet to have a dream about loosing the baby or bleeding - which I had with the last 2...but with my first miscarriage that dream didn't come until later. Right now though these silly dreams are making me have a restless night sleep and waking me up far too early!
Today I am more hopeful. I am going to (not saying I have) resolve myself to the fact that symptoms may wax and wane and that I have to be okay with this.
Thanks for all your support!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Over analyzing everything
So - I felt better today. No nausea, pretty alert, no fatigue. My breast tenderness seemed to decrease from its arrival yesterday. Overall, I felt great.
Which means I'm over analyzing everything. I've pretty much convinced myself this pregnancy isn't going to last - even though when I woke up this morning I POAS and the test line was darker then the control line.
Hubby doesn't want to hear me complain about my lack of symptoms. He said that he cannot do this again.
I was SO positive. So hopeful. So strong - sure that things were going to work out this time.
Why do I have to do this to myself? Why can't I just be and not worry about everything?
UGH!
Which means I'm over analyzing everything. I've pretty much convinced myself this pregnancy isn't going to last - even though when I woke up this morning I POAS and the test line was darker then the control line.
Hubby doesn't want to hear me complain about my lack of symptoms. He said that he cannot do this again.
I was SO positive. So hopeful. So strong - sure that things were going to work out this time.
Why do I have to do this to myself? Why can't I just be and not worry about everything?
UGH!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The thing about symptoms ...
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
I get pregnancy symptoms. Extreme exhaustion, tender breasts, slight nausea (nothing sever by any stretch).
I have had them with all three pregnancies. I don't mind the symptoms. I don't mind them one bit. What I am scared of is the fact that since I get symptoms - the lack of symptoms can be a sign something is or has gone wrong. I'm currently feeling exhausted and my boobs have just started to hurt. Normally one (who has struggled with IF and loss) would be celebrating these mini milestones in pregnancy. My fear is that they will disappear like they have in my previous 2 pregnancies. Although not having any symptoms would be hard as you can never know if you are pregnant, but the appearance of them, just gives me something more to think about - each day now (come on....lets be honest...each minute) I compare my symptoms from the day (re: minute) before and try to judge whether they are the same, getting worse or alleviating. How do I turn off this part of my brain and just be?
Another thing I hate doing is brushing my hair - go figure! Last time I miscarried, I had a feeling something wasn't right as the days leading up to my ultrasound, my hair started falling out. Not just one or two strands, but it would usually fill a comb whenever I would brush after a shower. Hubby thought that I was being ridiculous when I mentioned it to him....turns out I was right. Now, I try and brush my hair as gently as possible and count how many strands fall out in hopes that it isn't too many. How messed up is this?
Any advice from those who have / are pregnant after a loss on how to survive the first trimester? I didn't want an early ultrasound - but now I'm wishing the option was available to me. Ugh. Some days thoughts come in my head about plans I have in March around the time I will be getting my ultrasound and I think that I can't go through with those plans just in case something is wrong.
I just want to get off this roller-coaster and look into a magic crystal ball that will tell me everything will be okay!
I get pregnancy symptoms. Extreme exhaustion, tender breasts, slight nausea (nothing sever by any stretch).
I have had them with all three pregnancies. I don't mind the symptoms. I don't mind them one bit. What I am scared of is the fact that since I get symptoms - the lack of symptoms can be a sign something is or has gone wrong. I'm currently feeling exhausted and my boobs have just started to hurt. Normally one (who has struggled with IF and loss) would be celebrating these mini milestones in pregnancy. My fear is that they will disappear like they have in my previous 2 pregnancies. Although not having any symptoms would be hard as you can never know if you are pregnant, but the appearance of them, just gives me something more to think about - each day now (come on....lets be honest...each minute) I compare my symptoms from the day (re: minute) before and try to judge whether they are the same, getting worse or alleviating. How do I turn off this part of my brain and just be?
Another thing I hate doing is brushing my hair - go figure! Last time I miscarried, I had a feeling something wasn't right as the days leading up to my ultrasound, my hair started falling out. Not just one or two strands, but it would usually fill a comb whenever I would brush after a shower. Hubby thought that I was being ridiculous when I mentioned it to him....turns out I was right. Now, I try and brush my hair as gently as possible and count how many strands fall out in hopes that it isn't too many. How messed up is this?
Any advice from those who have / are pregnant after a loss on how to survive the first trimester? I didn't want an early ultrasound - but now I'm wishing the option was available to me. Ugh. Some days thoughts come in my head about plans I have in March around the time I will be getting my ultrasound and I think that I can't go through with those plans just in case something is wrong.
I just want to get off this roller-coaster and look into a magic crystal ball that will tell me everything will be okay!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Good news and Breaking heart
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
The blogging world is giving Mo all her love - my hear breaks for her as she has to undergo the worst nightmare that any pregnant mommy wants to endure. I too am sending her my love, thoughts and prayers.
It is hard to celebrate my happiness and success when another heart breaks, but I must. In my previous pregnancies I didn't allow myself to be happy. I need to celebrate my beta numbers. I think you can be sad for someone else while celebrate your own happiness.
Today is CD 27 (not sure how many DPO as I didn't think I ovulated!)
Numbers are 279 - up from 71.6 on Sunday!
I have to wait until the week of March 19 to get my first viability ultrasound as my dr is going on holidays. I'm okay with this as I wanted to wait until there was actually something to see - rather than go and potentially repeat the nightmare I had before.
Thank you for all your words of kindness. Please continue to keep my dragon baby in your thoughts - if there is enough room for us!
The blogging world is giving Mo all her love - my hear breaks for her as she has to undergo the worst nightmare that any pregnant mommy wants to endure. I too am sending her my love, thoughts and prayers.
It is hard to celebrate my happiness and success when another heart breaks, but I must. In my previous pregnancies I didn't allow myself to be happy. I need to celebrate my beta numbers. I think you can be sad for someone else while celebrate your own happiness.
Today is CD 27 (not sure how many DPO as I didn't think I ovulated!)
Numbers are 279 - up from 71.6 on Sunday!
I have to wait until the week of March 19 to get my first viability ultrasound as my dr is going on holidays. I'm okay with this as I wanted to wait until there was actually something to see - rather than go and potentially repeat the nightmare I had before.
Thank you for all your words of kindness. Please continue to keep my dragon baby in your thoughts - if there is enough room for us!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Oh my!
If you know me in Real Life - I am about to disclose information that is incredibly private. I have pondered for days on whether or not I should post this, as I know there are a few people I know that still read this blog. Please, Please respect me and my wishes to A) Keep what you read private and not share with anyone B) Not bring it up to me in ANY way shape or form. I will continue on believing that this is being shared with a wonderful IF community and not necessarily anyone I know. This space is for me to share my thoughts and feelings and I need not censor it for anyone. Thank you for respecting my wishes.
IF is a club I never wanted to join. As you have followed in my last few posts, I have really been soul searching and wondering if in my situation, did I bring about pain and suffering on myself. This month, I feel I really came to peace with everything. Since many of you are still struggling, I have wondered if I should post this information or not. However, once again I need to be true to myself. This is a space for ME to write about what I need to write about and gain support from those who can relate in any way-shape-or form.
Now with all the disclosures out of the way....
Last week, I felt exhausted all week. I thought it was because I didn't have a day to rest the weekend before. By Tues. I was beyond exhausted. I felt ill. So I took Wed off to recoup. Well, since Hubby is off right now too, Wed was a wired day of constant bickering. I felt he was doing everything in his power to piss me off. Hubby was getting quite annoyed at my antics and said that I needed to POAS as he figured I could only be this bitchy if I were pregnant. I tolled him that comments like those are unfair. My period wasn't due to start for another week!
Friday I woke up and had a weird feeling in the back of my throat. I figured since we had 2 parties to attend on the weekend that I should POAS just to ease my mind. I took the test and jumped in the shower fully expecting for it to be negative when I came out. I knew I was testing early - but didn't really know how early. To my ultimate surprise - it was positive! I was in shock! It was really, really light so I thought maybe it was a testing error. I pondered to go to my RE office and get blood taken, or wait till Sat to take another test. I figured to end the questioning and go get my Beta's checked. Sure enough, the blood work confirmed my pregnancy!
After work, I went to see my natropath. She knew where I was in my cycle based on our appointments we had that month. I was CD 23!! I couldn't believe it. On Sunday I went in for another beta test. The nurse gave me my numbers from Friday - 14.7. She said it was really low. That this either was caught early, or it will be a non-viable pregnancy. Geez...thanks for that! A couple hours later I got the call - my Beta numbers more than QUADRUPLED!! They were 71.6 - on CD 25!! The nurse - who normally is very factual and not empathetic (who told me a couple hours earlier that this may not be a viable pregnancy) was very excited! In all my pregnancies I haven't heard this type of excitement from her at all!
To put things into perspective - with my last pregnancy, I went in for blood on CD 30 or 31 and my first Beta was only 29. So to be in the 70's on CD 25 is making me very excited!
I have hope. I have excitement. And each morning when I POAS - the lines are getting darker! My natropath said that 2012 is the year of the Dragon. Dragon's are supposed to be the strongest and luckiest in all the Chinese signs. I can only hope that these high numbers mean my dragon baby is growing strong and going to be my take home baby this fall.
I go again for another Beta test tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed for another gigantic leap! I'm aiming for 300 (not that I have any say in things at all!)
IF is a club I never wanted to join. As you have followed in my last few posts, I have really been soul searching and wondering if in my situation, did I bring about pain and suffering on myself. This month, I feel I really came to peace with everything. Since many of you are still struggling, I have wondered if I should post this information or not. However, once again I need to be true to myself. This is a space for ME to write about what I need to write about and gain support from those who can relate in any way-shape-or form.
Now with all the disclosures out of the way....
Last week, I felt exhausted all week. I thought it was because I didn't have a day to rest the weekend before. By Tues. I was beyond exhausted. I felt ill. So I took Wed off to recoup. Well, since Hubby is off right now too, Wed was a wired day of constant bickering. I felt he was doing everything in his power to piss me off. Hubby was getting quite annoyed at my antics and said that I needed to POAS as he figured I could only be this bitchy if I were pregnant. I tolled him that comments like those are unfair. My period wasn't due to start for another week!
Friday I woke up and had a weird feeling in the back of my throat. I figured since we had 2 parties to attend on the weekend that I should POAS just to ease my mind. I took the test and jumped in the shower fully expecting for it to be negative when I came out. I knew I was testing early - but didn't really know how early. To my ultimate surprise - it was positive! I was in shock! It was really, really light so I thought maybe it was a testing error. I pondered to go to my RE office and get blood taken, or wait till Sat to take another test. I figured to end the questioning and go get my Beta's checked. Sure enough, the blood work confirmed my pregnancy!
After work, I went to see my natropath. She knew where I was in my cycle based on our appointments we had that month. I was CD 23!! I couldn't believe it. On Sunday I went in for another beta test. The nurse gave me my numbers from Friday - 14.7. She said it was really low. That this either was caught early, or it will be a non-viable pregnancy. Geez...thanks for that! A couple hours later I got the call - my Beta numbers more than QUADRUPLED!! They were 71.6 - on CD 25!! The nurse - who normally is very factual and not empathetic (who told me a couple hours earlier that this may not be a viable pregnancy) was very excited! In all my pregnancies I haven't heard this type of excitement from her at all!
To put things into perspective - with my last pregnancy, I went in for blood on CD 30 or 31 and my first Beta was only 29. So to be in the 70's on CD 25 is making me very excited!
I have hope. I have excitement. And each morning when I POAS - the lines are getting darker! My natropath said that 2012 is the year of the Dragon. Dragon's are supposed to be the strongest and luckiest in all the Chinese signs. I can only hope that these high numbers mean my dragon baby is growing strong and going to be my take home baby this fall.
I go again for another Beta test tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed for another gigantic leap! I'm aiming for 300 (not that I have any say in things at all!)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
I want my innocence back
Talking to a co-worker today about her daughter-in-law's pregnancy, it became painfully obvious how innocent the act of baby-making, pregnancy and delivery are to many women.
Getting pregnant is the act of having unprotected sex. Trying for awhile - in many people's terms is for 3-4 months. Pregnancy is about dealing with the inconveniences it causes - sickness, weight-gain, inability to drink etc. Delivery is a choice of dr vs midwife, home vs hospital, epidural vs natural.
When you have had 2 losses, almost 2 years of trying and a nasty diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure, you have lost your innocence - 3 x.
Oh how I wish I could turn back time and just enjoy the act of trying. As if, by being positive, I could have changed my outcome.
I wish, when I was pregnant, I could have rejoiced in pregnancy bliss and not worried every moment that something was wrong.
I wish I could fulfill my dream of having a circle of supportive women around me when I give birth (midwives) and have an intervention free delivery. Now, I think I would be stupid to not have the most qualified Dr's around near me as who knows what could go wrong when it happens.
Although my innocence was taken from me and I know way more about the physical aspects of making a baby that go well beyond sperm meeting egg, I still have hope. My loss of innocence has made me stronger. It hasn't broken me nor will it. I will survive.
Getting pregnant is the act of having unprotected sex. Trying for awhile - in many people's terms is for 3-4 months. Pregnancy is about dealing with the inconveniences it causes - sickness, weight-gain, inability to drink etc. Delivery is a choice of dr vs midwife, home vs hospital, epidural vs natural.
When you have had 2 losses, almost 2 years of trying and a nasty diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure, you have lost your innocence - 3 x.
Oh how I wish I could turn back time and just enjoy the act of trying. As if, by being positive, I could have changed my outcome.
I wish, when I was pregnant, I could have rejoiced in pregnancy bliss and not worried every moment that something was wrong.
I wish I could fulfill my dream of having a circle of supportive women around me when I give birth (midwives) and have an intervention free delivery. Now, I think I would be stupid to not have the most qualified Dr's around near me as who knows what could go wrong when it happens.
Although my innocence was taken from me and I know way more about the physical aspects of making a baby that go well beyond sperm meeting egg, I still have hope. My loss of innocence has made me stronger. It hasn't broken me nor will it. I will survive.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Feeling hopeful?
Went to the doctor's today to get the results of our last testing and thinking we would get a plan of action. My FSH lowered from 25 last month to 11.8 - much better, but I still have hormones like a 45 year old according to the dr :( However, she said 11.8 is workable. I go back AGAIN next day 3 for blood and ultrasound. If nothing, she certainly is thorough!
Hubby still has morphology issues - so he has to go for more tests. She said she would recommend he curb his drinking. It kinda bugs me, I have given up Gluten - anything with wheat - just to help with issues, but he wont give up drinking? Why the double stander? It seems, from reading other blogs this is a common issue. They just don't get it do they?
Dr put me on DHEA - she really didn't say much about it. From reading, it is a hormone supplement that increases testosterone and estorgyn and it appears to have good effects on pregnancy. Anyone else on this? Thoughts?
Overall, I left feeling somewhat hopeful. I can only hope that my FSH lowers more or stays the same next month. I want the 25 to be the abnormality and not the 11.8!
Hubby still has morphology issues - so he has to go for more tests. She said she would recommend he curb his drinking. It kinda bugs me, I have given up Gluten - anything with wheat - just to help with issues, but he wont give up drinking? Why the double stander? It seems, from reading other blogs this is a common issue. They just don't get it do they?
Dr put me on DHEA - she really didn't say much about it. From reading, it is a hormone supplement that increases testosterone and estorgyn and it appears to have good effects on pregnancy. Anyone else on this? Thoughts?
Overall, I left feeling somewhat hopeful. I can only hope that my FSH lowers more or stays the same next month. I want the 25 to be the abnormality and not the 11.8!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Falling Apart
This last week I have been an emotional wreck. The smallest thing will start the water-works....and I'm NOT a crier. Friends have said how strong I am and how I never cry - even in the saddest movie. This week...there is no filter. One night I started crying while watching a NFB 20 min documentary about a bear in the rocky mountains. The bear was hit by a train while she had her 2 young cubs with her. The film gave the bear a narrative...by the end I was bawling my eyes out. Ugly cry.
I then started to get teary eyed in a meeting I had about one of my students we have been struggling with. When one of the specialists validated everything I had been saying - I got extremely emotional. Weird. Not to mention, I also got emotional multiple times throughout the week if hubby and I had a disagreement.
So when my 40 something co-worker announced her unexpected pregnancy to me yesterday, I fell apart. I held it together while we were speaking, but after she left, I lost it. Luckily I was in my class alone. Another colleague came by to see how I was after she heard the news. It wasn't pretty. I've heard of multiple friends announce their pregnancies during our time of TTC - so I'm not sure why I have been hit so hard by this news. Is it her age? Is it her reservations in this whole pregnancy? Is it that her due date is just weeks after what would have been my due date with my second loss? Is it the fact that with my other co-worker gone on mat. leave, I thought work would be a safe place as I thought I was the only other person (aside from one other E.A) who could possibly get pregnant based on age? Our conversation was rather short but really centered around how she is convinced that it will happen for me...because she had 2 friends who weren't supposed to get pregnant and now have 2 kids. I hate hearing these stories. People are infertile for a whole bunch of different reasons and unless these miracle infertiles are struggling with the same diagnosis as myself, I don't want to hear it!
My friend, when texting her all this news, told me I need to stop making what is happening with other people about me. She said that the only thing I should take from this, is that if a 40 something can get pregnant - then I should be hopeful that I can too. There's truth in this statement...but such a hard pill to swallow.
Driving to work one day 2 weeks ago, I heard this song on the radio and fell in love. I never listen to lyrics, but I did for this song. It was so beautiful - it spoke to me. However, I never knew who sang it or what it was called. For weeks, I was trying to find out. I would listen to the radio any time I could and would skim the playlist of the radio-station on-line to see if maybe I could pick-up on a line that could be a clue to the song title. As I was working in my class, I had the radio station playing on-line. While my collegue was in the room with me, making sure I was okay, and I was sitting their crying my eyes out, the song came on. It was crazy. I was able to find out the title and artist. Although the song is about not giving up on a relationship, I feel it spoke to me about my struggle with infertility. It has inspired me not to give up on having a baby and not matter what, it is worth all the hardships I am enduring now. The 'US' in the song, is the relationship I will have with my future child. Hearing it at that moment was really an amazing moment for me. Words can't really describe it.
The song is "I wont give up" by Jason Mraz
Here is a link to the lyric video:
I wont give up
Now I cry every time I hear it (and with the beauty of youtube that is pretty often right now).
Why now am I falling apart when I have felt, and still feel, strong. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, just incredibly emotional.
I then started to get teary eyed in a meeting I had about one of my students we have been struggling with. When one of the specialists validated everything I had been saying - I got extremely emotional. Weird. Not to mention, I also got emotional multiple times throughout the week if hubby and I had a disagreement.
So when my 40 something co-worker announced her unexpected pregnancy to me yesterday, I fell apart. I held it together while we were speaking, but after she left, I lost it. Luckily I was in my class alone. Another colleague came by to see how I was after she heard the news. It wasn't pretty. I've heard of multiple friends announce their pregnancies during our time of TTC - so I'm not sure why I have been hit so hard by this news. Is it her age? Is it her reservations in this whole pregnancy? Is it that her due date is just weeks after what would have been my due date with my second loss? Is it the fact that with my other co-worker gone on mat. leave, I thought work would be a safe place as I thought I was the only other person (aside from one other E.A) who could possibly get pregnant based on age? Our conversation was rather short but really centered around how she is convinced that it will happen for me...because she had 2 friends who weren't supposed to get pregnant and now have 2 kids. I hate hearing these stories. People are infertile for a whole bunch of different reasons and unless these miracle infertiles are struggling with the same diagnosis as myself, I don't want to hear it!
My friend, when texting her all this news, told me I need to stop making what is happening with other people about me. She said that the only thing I should take from this, is that if a 40 something can get pregnant - then I should be hopeful that I can too. There's truth in this statement...but such a hard pill to swallow.
Driving to work one day 2 weeks ago, I heard this song on the radio and fell in love. I never listen to lyrics, but I did for this song. It was so beautiful - it spoke to me. However, I never knew who sang it or what it was called. For weeks, I was trying to find out. I would listen to the radio any time I could and would skim the playlist of the radio-station on-line to see if maybe I could pick-up on a line that could be a clue to the song title. As I was working in my class, I had the radio station playing on-line. While my collegue was in the room with me, making sure I was okay, and I was sitting their crying my eyes out, the song came on. It was crazy. I was able to find out the title and artist. Although the song is about not giving up on a relationship, I feel it spoke to me about my struggle with infertility. It has inspired me not to give up on having a baby and not matter what, it is worth all the hardships I am enduring now. The 'US' in the song, is the relationship I will have with my future child. Hearing it at that moment was really an amazing moment for me. Words can't really describe it.
The song is "I wont give up" by Jason Mraz
Here is a link to the lyric video:
I wont give up
Now I cry every time I hear it (and with the beauty of youtube that is pretty often right now).
Why now am I falling apart when I have felt, and still feel, strong. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, just incredibly emotional.
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