Sunday, November 13, 2011

A ramble on feeling good and trying to identify what still hurts

Warning - for those who read this and know me in Real Life - there may be a little TMI in this post. I was going to censor it, but then I figure this blog is for me - I cannot censor how I feel or anything else, otherwise the purpose of this blog becomes obsolete. 

Wow, just like turning on a switch, I feel like my old self again.  I'm still very sad about the miscarriages and I wish that I were still pregnant with baby 1 or baby 2, but I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore.

Yesterday hubby went and did some errands early morning and I forced myself to go to the gym.  When I woke up, I told myself I must go this weekend at some point.  Having time to relax and wake up slowly, and having him gone, gave me the motivation to go.  I ended up doing a weight class that I haven't done in ages.  It felt good to push myself physically once again.  Today I am paying for it though....I feel muscles I forgot I had! (Even though I did a fraction of the weights I would have done 2 months ago).
When I got home, hubby was dressed nicely and told me to shower and get dressed.  We were going out for brunch to a new place in town.  It was a spontaneous mid-day date!  We went for brunch and although my server got my order wrong twice, it was a lovely meal.  We really just enjoyed each others' company.    Last time we had a miscarriage, our relationship grew stronger.  If someone asked me was there any good that came from the miscarriage, I could honestly answer yes.  This time around, I feel like all my relationships have been strained.  I have felt so alone - even though there have been many people around offering support.  This includes the relationship with my hubby.  It seems like all we have done since the miscarriage is fight - this could partially be due to the bender he went on a few nights after our miscarriage where he blacked out and forgot what happened and how he got home. (We were at a friends party where he drank too much - he regrets this immensely).  He feels as though I haven't give him enough credit and ability to grieve in his own way.  I feel he hasn't recognized my sorrow.  However, yesterday I didn't feel any contempt for him - or anyone for that matter.  We had a really, really wonderful date and then came home.  Like all good dates, ours ended in DTD mid afternoon! Since my pregnancy was considered high risk given the first miscarriage, my dr told me I couldn't engage in any intercourse until after the 12 week mark.  I adhered to that advice as I didn't want any reason to blame myself if anything were to happen.  As it stands, we haven't DTD in a long time.  We tried last week, however, I wasn't ready, physically or emotionally.  I'm sure nothing is more of a turn off than a weaping wife as you are trying to be romantic! Lol.  It was just too hard.  Like everything in my life, sex is associated with getting pregnant.  DTD without the goal of pregnancy was just too hard.  However, things have changed since last week and yesterday, I was ready.  It felt good to be close with my hubby again and we have had some really long, serious talks about where we stand and our next steps.  Phew - I honestly thought we would never be back in the same place again.  In the evening we took the dogs for a run, got a crap load of candy and nachos and had a movie night in.  It was a really, really great day that made me feel 'normal' once again.  I have waited so long to feel like this.

Today I woke up and I still feel good.  I got a ton of house work done before 9:00!! In the last few weeks, doing one house hold task took all my energy.  Today I multitasked and got everything done without feeling exhausted or sad or bitter that I had to do the work.

I think we've also agreed that we will be taking some sort of vacation in March. Since I'm a teacher, and hubby is a contract worker in the summer months, we don't have a lot of vacation time together.  He is unemployed in the winter and I'm off in the summer.  The only time we have that we can go away is Christmas or March.  Unfortunately when the prices are 2 or 3 times the regular price.  He is desperate to go back to Vancouver, and I desperately want to sit on a beach somewhere and just relax.  Given he'll be on E.I and wont get paid if we leave the country, we may go to Vancouver.  (Plus, he'll be turning 30 early April so this could be an early b-day trip).  The prospect of  a trip - even if it is months and months away - has given me hope.  Something to work towards and think about that isn't baby driven.  I think it is just my personality that I need a goal to work towards all the time.  Maybe it is just my life has been rather static for the last 18 months that there hasn't been anything to really think about or dream about except babies? I don't know.  But given we are both in a wedding in August for our really great friends AND this trip, I may just have enough that I don't have to obsess over babies and getting pregnant.  I don't know. 

My fear right now is that I am too overly optimistic. I don't want to forget about the losses, nor do I want anyone else to either.  I think part of my fear is people seeing me as extremely strong and not giving me the empathy I need.  Not that I want people to bring it up in every conversation, but acknowledging my pain in some way is comforting.  I feel that I have been wallowing in self-pity and holding onto the pain so that everyone else remembers that I am hurting.  This doesn't make much sense to me, nor to anyone else I'm sure.  Infertility and miscarriage are so fucking hard.  There are no easy answers on how to deal with someone who is hurting and there certainly no easy answers on how to cope with the pain yourself.   However, waking up 2 days in a row and not feeling so alone and swallowed up in sadness is a good thing right?  There are still people I have no desire to see. Family is one of them.  I still don't want to hear those empty words of comfort, "you're young," "find a hobby," "how are you" (with no intent to actually find out how I family and I have an unconventional relationship.  I am not close with my mom and my dad doesn't no how to be empathetic).  There are some friends I don't really care to see right now either, but given I am feeling better, maybe I will want to start seeing more people again?

Work is also hard given the pregnant co-worker.  People were understanding for the first day I was back, but then immediately the attention shifts back to the pregnant lady and all my pain seems to be forgotten about.  This, I will be the first to admit, is so incredibly selfish.  I really wish I could just embrace the pregnancy too. However, given how her due date is the due date of pregnancy #1, I sometimes just want to jump up and down while people are talking about her baby and scream "I should be there too!! Remember, I have had 2 miscarriages! Where's my attention! Where's my sympathy! Why can't you think about me for once!"  Then I hate myself a little more.  I know I don't need to be the centre of attention and it isn't all about me...why can't I just let things be and grieve on my own?  Why do I want to take someone's happiness from them?  Given we are in the same classroom, I KNOW my co-workers have been sensitive to my needs and they haven't been talking outright in front of me as much as they would have if I haven't been given the cards I have been dealt. However, any discussion around the pregnancy hurts.  I wish it weren't so.  I wish that I could be happy and apart of the discussions.  I wish I didn't have to fake caring anytime the topic comes up.  I wish I could just be happy and rejoice.  There is nothing more I wish for. Maybe, as with other things, it will get easier in time? 

As part of our fertility testing, hubby and I have to see a counselor together at the infertility clinic.  I think this is a way that they can make the clinic semi-private.  All the tests ordered are covered by OHIP, but the counseling fee is part of the consultation feel.  My GP's office has counselors associated with the clinic.  I think I may call them up on Monday to see how I can go about getting into see someone.  I think it is time I seek professional help before going to the fertility counselor in December.  I don't want her to think that I am so messed up and then they think that is the reason why we are having infertility issues.  Maybe if I go and get things sorted out on my own, I'll be much more balanced for our appointment in December.  Who knows - but any rate, gaining clarity isn't a bad thing right?

This has been a long post - if you have made it to the end, kudos to you! Thanks for reading my ramble!


  1. Hi Amanda,

    I'm so glad you're feeling a little better. I wouldn't worry too much about feeling too good. My therapist described the grieving process as peaks and valleys, so I guess you're on a peak--enjoy it while you can. I know what you mean about fearing that others will see you as not needing their sympathy. I think it's good to be proactive about asking for their help before you're feeling completely down in the dumps, like maybe talking about it even when you're feeling good. If that makes any sense.

  2. I can relate so much to this post. This past summer DH and I decided to plan a trip for December and it has been AMAZING having something to look forward to. I think it is a good plan. I also have *3* pg co-workers, so I feel pretty invisible with my pain. Hang in there!

    P.S. Thanks for linking to my blog!