Saturday, November 26, 2011


I attended the shower on Thursday for my co-worker (the one who has the same due date as my first loss).  Leading up to the day, I was doing really well.  I got 'into' planning it and was able to help co-ordinate some of the things that needed to be done.  I felt good. However, AF seemed to be miles away.  Although it would have been almost impossible for us to conceive last month, and we both agreed that we really need to start the testing, there was a part of me - a large part - that was still hoping it would happen. 
So with the 'dream' of pregnancy, and no sign of AF, this shower was an okay thing.  Then on Thursday, the spotting started and I knew the witch was coming to visit. The shower felt like I was in some sort of purgatory.  I was sitting there, hearing everyone around be joyous and happy, trying to come to terms with the fact that once again forced to deal with the disappointment, the heartache and the pain that comes along each month with getting my period. I had to come to terms with the reality that we are doing this all over again and need to find the strength it takes to go through months of trying, waiting, hoping for it all to be crushed on or before the 28th day.  However, this is my reality. I can't to anything about it and the longer I struggle to come to terms with it, the more pain I bring on myself.

On the plus side, I start my testing on Sunday. The schedule will go something like this:
  • Day 3 - ultrasound and blood work
  • Day 9 through ovulation - ultrasound and blood work (my veins are hard to find, I'm gonna look like a heroine addict after this)
  • After ovulation - sonohystogram (saline flush to ensure fallopian tubes are open)
  • Last half of cycle - 3D ultrasound and endimetiral biopsy
  • mandatory fertility counseling (1 session) 
  • 2 sperm samples from hubby (done)
I know that after this we'll get some answers.  May not get answers as to why we had miscarriages, but answers as to why it took us so long to get pregnant in the first place.  A plan will be made. We can either go with it or wait.  Right now, I am not sure what we'll do. Maybe we should give ourselves time to heal.  I dunno.
It's funny. I was so prepared, excited and wanting to just forget about TTC and fertility for awhile so that we could heal from these past losses.  Then the 2ww happened and I became a different person.  Just the thought of maybe, possible (although highly unlikely) I'd be pregnant, made me start hoping and dreaming again.  I honestly think the 2ww makes me insane.  It turns me into a different person. Isn't the definition of insanity when you do the same thing over and over expecting different results? 


  1. It was such an ironic event to be a part of.

    I hope the tests this cycle will reveal a good deal of information. I also hope you will be able to conceive and carry to term and have a happy and healthy child soon.

    Take Care!

  2. It is so great you have all the testing set up. No matter what, you should know more at the end then what you do now.

    I also become a different person in the TWW. I get so anxious that I can't sleep and so paranoid about timing BD. That will be the one good thing about IVF-no worry about timing. :P

  3. That had to be so hard on you to be at that shower. *Hugs* I've learned that we can be so set about our "plan" or waiting or whatever it might be but that can change at a moments notice. It's ok. You're not crazy... either that or we're all crazy (which is possible)! Hoping that these test reveal some info for you guys!!

  4. Hey there! Ugg...the 2WW. I was sane during mine; I used to lose my mind when it became the 6WW. I wouldn't sleep and obsessed over it almost every minute. I hope all the testing alleviates that for you!

  5. good for you... going to a baby shower... i haven't been to one in so long... just cant do it.
    hoping the next couple weeks bring you the answers you have been looking for. i will be following along and wishing you the very best
    jes g

  6. Thanks everyone for their amazingly supportive comments! I am glad I'm not the only one who hates the 2ww! I am also glad others feel compassion for the baby shower situation. I guess I should clarify that the co-worker is actually an aid in my classroom. It's bad enough if I had to see the person everyday, but I actually work along side her all day, everyday. She's an amazing part of the team and I am usually able to separate work from the pregnancy, but overall it has been incredibly hard! Thanks again for the comments!

  7. Oh, that is so hard that the preggo is someone you work with closely every day! I have a similar situation at work. I commend you for getting through the shower on the very day you got your period. Whoa. Getting your period after a miscarriage is such a horrible reminder of what might have been. Hang in there.

    Yes, the 2ww turns me into a crazy person, too. Good luck with all of the testing.