Reality

I attended the shower on Thursday for my co-worker (the one who has the same due date as my first loss).  Leading up to the day, I was doing really well.  I got 'into' planning it and was able to help co-ordinate some of the things that needed to be done.  I felt good. However, AF seemed to be miles away.  Although it would have been almost impossible for us to conceive last month, and we both agreed that we really need to start the testing, there was a part of me - a large part - that was still hoping it would happen. 
So with the 'dream' of pregnancy, and no sign of AF, this shower was an okay thing.  Then on Thursday, the spotting started and I knew the witch was coming to visit. The shower felt like I was in some sort of purgatory.  I was sitting there, hearing everyone around be joyous and happy, trying to come to terms with the fact that once again forced to deal with the disappointment, the heartache and the pain that comes along each month with getting my period. I had to come to terms with the reality that we are doing this all over again and need to find the strength it takes to go through months of trying, waiting, hoping for it all to be crushed on or before the 28th day.  However, this is my reality. I can't to anything about it and the longer I struggle to come to terms with it, the more pain I bring on myself.

On the plus side, I start my testing on Sunday. The schedule will go something like this:

• Day 3 - ultrasound and blood work
• Day 9 through ovulation - ultrasound and blood work (my veins are hard to find, I'm gonna look like a heroine addict after this)
• After ovulation - sonohystogram (saline flush to ensure fallopian tubes are open)
• Last half of cycle - 3D ultrasound and endimetiral biopsy
• mandatory fertility counseling (1 session) 
• 2 sperm samples from hubby (done)

I know that after this we'll get some answers.  May not get answers as to why we had miscarriages, but answers as to why it took us so long to get pregnant in the first place.  A plan will be made. We can either go with it or wait.  Right now, I am not sure what we'll do. Maybe we should give ourselves time to heal.  I dunno.
It's funny. I was so prepared, excited and wanting to just forget about TTC and fertility for awhile so that we could heal from these past losses.  Then the 2ww happened and I became a different person.  Just the thought of maybe, possible (although highly unlikely) I'd be pregnant, made me start hoping and dreaming again.  I honestly think the 2ww makes me insane.  It turns me into a different person. Isn't the definition of insanity when you do the same thing over and over expecting different results?