I've come to the realization in the last few days that my life, for over 18 months, has revolved around getting pregnant and having a baby. Every night before I go to sleep, I dream about finding out we are pregnant, making the big announcement for the months we were TTC and the months I was pregnant, I would think about the baby and my growing belly and decorating the nursery etc. During the days I would think about whether I'm ovulating and if hubby and I need to DTD in order to not miss our window of opportunity or I would be worried about pregnancy symptoms or lack there of if I was pregnant. My life has been on hold. Nothing else really matters. I have forgotten how to live without the fear/stress/anxiety of baby making. What should be a fun and care free time in our lives, has been shrouded by this big huge black cloud. For the first time in what seems like forever, I don't have those worries. Since Hubby and I aren't going to try until after I get tested, I have zero worries when I wake up - however, not having these feelings leave me with an emptiness inside.
Every time I hear of another friend or family member who is pregnant I want to break down and cry. It just hurts so much to see everyone around me bask in the happiness of pregnancy. Of course I wish everyone well and know I should be happy for them, it is just hard. Hubby's cousin announced on facebook today that she is 20 weeks pregnant. I knew for a while she was pregnant but seeing it go public just added another nail in the coffin. We would have had a baby before them had we not lost our first, and if we hadn't lost our second, we would have been 2 weeks away from announcing our pregnancy as we would almost be 12 weeks by now. It feels like my life is surrounded by everything baby and I just can't seem to get out of this fog. What the hell did we do before making the decision to start trying? How can I start living my life and have baby making as side rather than the primary focus?