I've come to the realization in the last few days that my life, for over 18 months, has revolved around getting pregnant and having a baby. Every night before I go to sleep, I dream about finding out we are pregnant, making the big announcement for the months we were TTC and the months I was pregnant, I would think about the baby and my growing belly and decorating the nursery etc. During the days I would think about whether I'm ovulating and if hubby and I need to DTD in order to not miss our window of opportunity or I would be worried about pregnancy symptoms or lack there of if I was pregnant. My life has been on hold. Nothing else really matters. I have forgotten how to live without the fear/stress/anxiety of baby making. What should be a fun and care free time in our lives, has been shrouded by this big huge black cloud. For the first time in what seems like forever, I don't have those worries. Since Hubby and I aren't going to try until after I get tested, I have zero worries when I wake up - however, not having these feelings leave me with an emptiness inside.
Every time I hear of another friend or family member who is pregnant I want to break down and cry. It just hurts so much to see everyone around me bask in the happiness of pregnancy. Of course I wish everyone well and know I should be happy for them, it is just hard. Hubby's cousin announced on facebook today that she is 20 weeks pregnant. I knew for a while she was pregnant but seeing it go public just added another nail in the coffin. We would have had a baby before them had we not lost our first, and if we hadn't lost our second, we would have been 2 weeks away from announcing our pregnancy as we would almost be 12 weeks by now. It feels like my life is surrounded by everything baby and I just can't seem to get out of this fog. What the hell did we do before making the decision to start trying? How can I start living my life and have baby making as side rather than the primary focus?
Just found your blog through LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss, that you have to go through this. Abiding with you here, and hoping that you can be kind to yourself ... I'm a survivor of repeated pregnancy loss myself, and know that my thoughts are with you as you heal. (Healing, by the way, doesn't mean forgetting or "moving on" so much as learning to live *with* loss.) *hug*
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda. I hear ya on how consuming TTC and loss is. Therapy (both group and individual) and Prozac are my answers for finding a little tiny bit of peace. I like how jhl said you learn how to live *with* loss. It forever changes you.
ReplyDeleteIs the testing you're referring to for RPL? I'll probably be getting it soon, too, if my labwork from my D&C ever comes back. Hang in there.
The testing is the generic fertility testing. I was supposed to have it done in May - but we got pregnant. Miscarried in June. Waited 3 cycles to go for testing again, but got pregnant again and lost the baby. Our dr really wants me to get the fertility testing done so that she can figure out our 'scenario'.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear of your losses and your pain. I understand what it feels like to worry that you're too uber focused. My hubby and I are trying to find a hobby to do together, since we decided that we are no good at the hobby of baby making. Let's just say he's had a lot of tennis balls beamed at his head lately. :)
ReplyDeleteYour first wish was "for strength, courage and the ability to be happy no matter what happens in all aspects of my/our life." You have such a good outlook! Being happy is a choice - even though it's often a hard/impossible one to make. I hope you find your strength!
Amanda--that's right, I remember reading that on your blog. I hope you're able to get the testing done quickly because waiting is tough. You're right, it leaves you with a certain emptiness.
ReplyDeleteHi, found you through LFCA. I'm so sorry for your losses and that you had/have to go through this. I too lost a pregnancy this year, at a very early stage (I would be nearing the end of my 3rd month now). We've been trying to conceive since October 2010. I'm so rooting for you to first find your way out of the "hole" you're in right now, and then for you to achieve a healthy pregnany soon.
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